You know the one thing that I don’t understand out of everything positive that’s happening right now is the fact that I keep getting dragged down by something negative. I don’t intentionally look for trouble, at least not anymore. I’m finally starting to see the light and understand myself so much more with the help of therapy and medication. Of course with that said it’s not only that which is helping my situation it’s also the willingness to change. I’m willing to change my outlook on life because I actually want to make a difference. I’m so fed up with negative thoughts that have taken over a good six years of my life. I’m tired of being treated like a child especially when I’m doing my best to be independent and make a life a proper life for my child and I. I would hate to think that I’m the type of person that likes to air out their dirty laundry online, but I’m not going to sugarcoat it and say that I never bitch about my life, my depression, my family, friends, etc. We can all admit to airing some bull shit from time to time and you know what that’s okay. Sometimes we need to vent, but of course that comes with a price when you start to trash talk about someone (we’ll talk about that some other time).

I don’t know how many of you know that about my continuous battle with my depression, anxiety, unhealthy eating habits, and the list goes on. Since I started seeing my therapist in December I can feel and say that I’ve made some improvement to change. I’m determined to make this year my “power” year! I became open minded to the idea of taking medication and honestly it’s the best decision I’ve ever made. My attitude has improved immensely and I do my best to take stressful situation and turn it into something positive. I also have been doing my best to live a much more productive life. Sure the apartment is still a mess because we’re still cleaning up and after work we’re just completely exhausted. I’ll be starting a new job soon and honestly I’m actually thinking of making it a career move to become a medical biller. It’s just a thought and I’m still completely unsure what path I want to take, but I’m quite positive whatever it is I want to be in the medical industry. Honestly, I never thought that I’d take that direction. I’ve learned to cut myself some slack and become a bit more confident in my social life and personal life. I still have some slip ups, but hey no one is perfect right? I’m still constantly battling those negative thoughts, but at least I’m making the effort of pursuing my goals.

A whole lot has happened to me and it’s only the beginning of the year. I’ve come to some type of self realization that you can only move forward in life and holding yourself back with negativity won’t get you anywhere, and you’ll remain stuck. I mean everyone should know that right? Everyone has problems, but it’s about learning how to deal with those situations is going to make the problem a bit easier. When I first started this blog my mind and ideas were all over the place. I even thought about shutting down my site this year because my schedule was becoming far too busy that I wasn’t sure when I was going to find time to write. Then I thought about it and this site has been the only outlet for me where I’ve spilled almost everything I’ve felt inside for the past several years. I’ve learned to grow with this blog and I am not sure if shutting it down is a smart move. I don’t really journal because I just never find the time to do it and I don’t like the idea of keeping secrets, my secrets. Yes, I know you’re probably thinking well everyone has secrets. I don’t want or like secrets. I don’t want the responsibility of knowing something especially something that’s bothering me and with no one to talk to or anywhere to write about it.

I’ve had so many goals and aspirations in the past that’s led to disappointment because I never took the initiative to do something about it. I became my own weakness. I literally beat myself up with unhappiness and that’s not fair to me. I’m not looking for pity. I’m a big girl. I need to realize that I’m an adult! I need my own independence! It’s frustrating me knowing that I’m still being looked at as a child. I know that I’ve got a lot to learn about when it comes to life and I’m very damn sure that I’m going to experience a lot more as I continue to grow. I only want to get older and wiser and realize that I’m a very good person. I’m a good person on the inside and I’m also very deserving of everything good and positive that comes in my life. I need to take advantage of everything that comes my direction. It might sound selfish, but really I’ve never wanted anything so bad in my life until today, this very moment. There’s so much clarity now.

My mom and I (I think I was about a yr. old)

There probably won’t be pictures or many pictures in this post. Lately, I’ve been so busy, tired, stressed, and overwhelmed with so many things that’s been happening in my life. If you read my previous post it’s a good thing right? I get to keep myself busy and I’m doing the best I can to better my life and provide a better future for Ryu and I. I stumbled on two bloggers entries today and I know I’ve been behind and I apologize for that. The first one is Kat’s blog from Lifeinprogress.ca. She writes about an episode in her life that she feels is slowly crawling back in her life. She feels down and I can absolutely relate to that. Then there’s Linda from Linda.curious-notions.net.  She writes that lately she’s been in a funk and she’s doing her best to figure everything out and move forward with baby steps to take herself out of that situation.

How do you feel about the areas in your life?

I’ve really been thinking about where my month’s headed and where I expect to see myself in the next several months or even this whole year. I’m definitely excited for the year to continue on, but of course that doesn’t mean that I’m not afraid of what can happen. With that said I’m starting a new job and I find that it affects my insurance or at least it will for the next several months until I pass my probation period. I’m worried because four months without a therapist or a psychiatrist is hard and I really don’t want to fall back into depression. I can’t say that I’m completely out of the rut, but being on medication and being able to talk to someone has truly helped me. I’m afraid of getting back into my old ways. I’m good right now and I’m doing everything I can to push myself forward in the right direction and if I don’t have someone helping guide me I’m not sure where I’m going to find myself. I guess I’m afraid that I’m not strong enough to overcome this disease on my own. I am very optimistic about healing and getting better, but it’s a bit frustrating when there won’t be any consistency since I have to wait for that to happen. I just hope that I have the will power to keep my head straight.

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